“White Russian… No Ice, No Vodka, Hold the Kahlua.” – Catwoman

Widely considered one of the worst superhero blockbusters of all time, the notorious Catwoman from 2004 is a horrendous combination of an edgy 2000s music video and all of the worst aspects of a modern superhero flick. Harbouring immensely cringey, pun-based dialogue, terrible CG effects and a forced romantic subplot, among many other issues, Catwoman is a nosedive in quality from many of the beloved comic book stories featuring the famed cat burglar of the DC Universe. Still, for those who are fans of the character, there is little concern of character assassination here, as the protagonist of Catwoman is so distant from the feline that debuted in 1940 that she is virtually unrecognisable outside of the signature ears, whip and black leather outfit. As such, this seedy superhero flick is only worth seeing if you can tolerate a thrown-together story and hideous visuals merely for an ironic laugh.

Plot Summary: While toiling as a graphic designer for the cosmetics company Hedare Beauty, a mammoth corporation on the verge of releasing a revolutionary anti-ageing lotion, the shy and sensitive Patience Philips inadvertently happens upon a dark secret regarding the ointment, soon finding herself in the middle of a corporate conspiracy that eventually takes her life. But, after mysteriously reawakening with the newfound abilities of immense speed, strength, agility and ultra-keen senses, Patience transforms into Catwoman, a skilled and stealthy vigilante determined to foil her former employer’s devilish ploy…

Aside from the central (and rather superficial) underlying theme of the film, which relates to the harmful side of the cosmetics industry, naturally depicted in an over-the-top fashion with inhumane suits eager to make a profit, regardless of consumer harm, the plot of Catwoman is a formulaic yet underdeveloped superhero origin story, with most of the film revolving around the corny sequences of Patience (renamed from Selena Kyle in this iteration) discovering her numerous abilities. Similar to the unwarranted rename, this iteration of the character also possesses unexplained, supernatural abilities, unlike the original version of the character, who shared many similarities to her occasional associate, occasional foe, Batman, sporting an imposing outfit, a secret identity and exceptional fighting capabilities, yet no actual superpowers.

Becoming one of only six actors in history to own both an Oscar and a Razzie after her ‘win’ for her infamous performance in the film, Halle Berry also became the first actress to accept her Razzie in person, stepping out on stage proudly holding both Oscar and Razzie aloft, delivering the brief acceptance speech of; “I’d Like to Thank Warner Brothers for Making Me Do this Godawful, Piece of Shit Movie.” With this in mind, it’s likely not a surprise that Berry portrays Catwoman with all of the comic book cheesiness as other superhero performances of the era, from Ben Affleck’s Daredevil to Wesley Snipes’ Blade, over-delivering every line of dialogue and showcasing the cinematic sexualisation (and animalisation) of the titular character to an absurd degree, despite Catwoman’s sexually provocative side being a key part of her character in most media she appears. That said, Halle Berry does commit to her performance, and commendably so, considering that Patience spends most of her time wide-eyed and humiliatingly unhinged with a profound love of tuna. The supporting cast of Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone and Lambert Wilson don’t fare much better, with their performances frequently coming across as either lifeless or cartoonish.

Previously set in Catwoman’s usual home of Gotham City, with Michelle Pfeiffer reprising her role from the blockbuster sequel Batman Returns (1992) before this concept was scrapped when Pfeiffer refused to sign on, Catwoman takes place in an anonymous, grimy city that greatly resembles Gotham, yet is never confirmed to be so. Nevertheless, this iconic, fictional city’s aesthetic barely enhances the film’s visuals in the grand scheme, as the cinematography by Thierry Arbogast is continuously cluttered and visually displeasing, a flaw only exacerbated by the equally unpleasant viridescent colour palette. Moreover, the CG effects throughout the runtime are beyond appalling, appearing weightless and unconvincing, namely during scenes where Patience leaps up walls and across rooftops or when a cat is depicted via uncanny CGI, even though forty-three cats were actually trained and used for the film, seemingly removing the need for CG effects in this respect.

On another note, the soundtrack for Catwoman, primarily relying on not-so-timely songs such as Scandalous, Outrageous and Crazy in Love, is just as nostalgic as it is corny and excessively distracting. Likewise, the original score by Klaus Badelt is loud and overbearing, often unintentionally emphasising the film’s poor sound mixing, like with the clamorous track; Felineious Assault.

With Catwoman, it’s clear that the strangely mononymous French director Pitof (Vidocq, Fire & Ice: The Dragon Chronicles) set out to make a film as stylish and sensual as possible within the boundaries of its rating. And, while much of the film’s style is evidently influenced by Pitof’s background in outlandish, sultry music videos, blockbusters generally don’t rely on constant hyperactive shots, and Catwoman is a testament to why.

In summary, Catwoman is a baffling, dated mess of a superhero-led blockbuster, which is unfortunate, given how significant of a character Catwoman is, repeatedly playing a pivotal role in stories across the DC Universe, both featuring the Caped Crusader and otherwise. Thus, it’s not an exaggeration to say that Catwoman is a ‘cat-astrophe’ in practically every aspect, but definitely as an adaptation. Rating: 1/10.